Fable III: the Musical! Sort Of
by Team-Unova
Summary: Well, Renee was bored and decided to pester the Fable III cast and her two Heroes, Lily and Aster... With SONG AND DANCE ! Rated for many of the characters' shameful language.
1. Introduction

_Wednesday_ in September. Nothing interesting _EVER_ happens on Wednesdays, _ESPECIALLY_ Wednesdays in September. Even Hero Queens never have anything to do on mid-week evenings in early autumn. Not a single bandit attack, court assignment, or even a lowly fetch quest was available for Queen Lily Kingsley. Ever since the Crawler's thwarted invasion, nothing of importance had happened to Albion's reigning monarch.

**"TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME! I SWEAR I WILL ERASE YOU FROM CANON!"** Oh AVO, no... She knew that voice. It was her Authoress...

_Renee Annelise Niels._ What was that bitch who was CLEARLY ripping off Q by being nigh-omnipotent doing here...?

"Your Majesty! I have a proposition for you!" the fanfic Authoress announced as she burst into the throne room, trailed by every canon character in the Fable III plotline, even the ones already dead... Even the old Hero Queen Sparrow and Sir Walter Beck. ESPECIALLY them! "What do you want, Renee...?" Lily groaned, massaging her temples. Her crown was suddenly extremely heavy...

It was actually a long time since Miss Niels had pestered anyone in the realm of Fanfiction (she was actually working on an original series of short stories,) and even if this was the first time she'd ever visited the Fable 'verse, her reputation still preceded her among her many, _**MANY**_ OCs. She still had the short, mousy brown hair, she was still skin and bones, and still wore sweatshirts, jeans and sneakers, but on top of that she now had a grey peacoat that always hung open and rimless glasses since she'd long neglected the health of her eyes, more grey than green, and had become short-sighted.

... If she thought she looked mature like that now that she'd turned eighteen, then she was really deluding herself. And the braces really didn't help her stop looking like a minor.

As the Narrator struggled to keep up with her narration, she began to rummage around in her purse, pulling out a notebook. She cleared her throat and spoke again. "Your Heroic Majesty, I propose a new ginormous, multi-chapter songfic featuring yourself and the main and side characters of Fable III... And Aster, your royal brother," she proposed. Lily went pale. Aster. Her timid twin brother, the youth who was so often sick in his childhood, the boy who's thirst for knowledge grew into lust for power and destroyed him, rotting him to the core and making him the ideal vessel for the Crawler after Sir Walter's unfortunate death... And the Authoress had just brought the monster that her brother and best friend had become back into her kingdom! That did it!

The blonde woman stood and was about to hurl a Fireball in her direction, but something made her stop. Right between Renee and the recently revived Sir Walter Beck (more meddling from her) was Aster himself, not the way she had last seen him, but the way she always fondly remembered him: black hair inherited from their father and their mother's blue eyes. "Hello, Lil. You look well..." he said a little awkwardly. It wasn't every day one returned home to the royal court after having an eldritch abomination expelled from one's body, but there he was. Lily gathered up her skirts, ran at him, and all but tackled her brother.

"You stupid, stupid fool! I told you that you were going off the deep end!" the Queen berated him, losing her composure as she broke down sobbing. One awkward reunion between the siblings and Sparrow, Walter and Logan, Theresa spoke up. "You obviously intended to use this as leverage to have the Heroine go along with your little scheme, didn't you?" she asked. If one had looked closely, one would see that she had just the tiniest smirk, the sort of facial expression that Reaver always used to get under Lily and Sparrow's skins. "Yes~" Renee replied with the same devious expression. "And that scheme of yours is...?"

"Performing Broadway showtunes, songs from animated and live-action films, and operatic arias~!"

"Oh, I can see this going just swimmingly~!" said Hero of Skill added flippantly, flicking a little speck of dirt that had somehow found it's way onto his coat's sleeve.

**Author's Note: I'd like to apologize in advance if Lily, Aster or Sparrow seem at all Mary Sue/Gary Stu-ish in any way. But anyway, requests are always welcome. ^v^**


	2. Lily: World Is Mine

**World Is Mine**

"Must we go through with this, Miss Niels?" Lily asked through gritted teeth. "Yes, we must, Your Majesty~" the Authoress replied with a wicked grin on her face.

Lily groaned as she walked as regally as she could into the throne room with her hair done in two long pigtails rather than her usual braid/bun combination (tied with little ribbons, no less,) while wearing a white, black-trimmed empire-waisted dress that ended just above the knees, and white flats. Already, there where disapproving murmurs from the nobles gathered about her attire...

A minute later, Renee hit 'play' on her CD player...

_"I'm the world's number one princess,_

_And that means I should be treated like that from the heart..._

_Got it~?"_ Lily sang, trying to bite back another angry groan as she forced an overly cute smile. Oh Avo, Reaver and Page, the two representatives she was supposed to see during this VERY IMPORTANT AND SERIOUS meeting, were staring right at her... She was incredulous, and he looked as though he was about to die if he didn't laugh out loud... Which he did anyway just to spite his queen.

_"Number one,_

_You should know when I get my hair done differently._

_Number two,_

_Look me over right down to my shoes- Okay?_

_Number three,_

_For every word I say, I want three in response from you!"_ Lily continued, directing this particular line right at Reaver despite her face, blazing red in embarrassment, as she jabbed an accusing finger at him. He just kept smirking, tears of mirth streaming down his face from laughing so hard. He still couldn't stop a few amused giggles at the monarch's obvious humiliation. AVO she hated him.

_"Now if you understand, go and do something about my empty right hand!_

_Of course, I'm not saying anything selfish._

_I just want for you to think I'm cute, truly, from your heart!_

_I'm the world's number one princess_

_You should know- Hey, hey!_

_Making me wait is not allowed!_

_Who do you think you're dealing with!?_

_Oh man! Now I want something sweet..._

_Go get me something now,"_ She directed that particular line rather dismissively at Reaver, again. It was his turn to look dumbfounded and for Page to smirk.

_"Ah!_

Check 1, 2..."

The nobles glanced around at one another. What did that line mean...? They were suddenly startled when the Queen let out an ear-splitting scream of frustration.

_"Flaws? I've been told that they were cute._

_You shouldn't be issuing complaints!_

_Hello? Are you even paying attention? Seriously…_

_Oh, and of course, I demand you have a white horse._

_Now come get me._

_If you understand, kneel, take my hand, and say "Of course My Princess!"_

_Of course I'm not saying anything selfish._

_Of course, you should know I can be scolded from time to time...!_

_You're my number one prince in the world,_

_You should know- Hey, hey!_

_Both our hands are empty!_

_My silent and blunt, yet perfect, prince,_

_Why don't you realize that immediately?_

_Oh!_

_You just don't get it! You really should get it by now…_

_Strawberry shortcake with a large strawberry,_

_Delicious melty pudding made with the best eggs..._

_I want, I want them all, but I'm holding back!_

_Just don't think I'm too selfish,_

_I can really do it if I try!_

_You be surprised when I do!"_ Honestly, royalty or not, what lady enjoyed talking about her eating habits to anyone...? Especially considering what a sweet tooth she really did have.

_"I know this all because I am…_

_The world's number one princess!_

_You might want to watch before I leave you behind!_

_You grabbed me and held me so suddenly, what is this?_

_'Be careful or you'll get hurt,' you look away from me now,_

_I'd say this guy dangerous..._

_Ah! _

_Hey baby~!"_ she sang the last line as she sauntered up to Reaver, and, much to his surprise, grabbed him by his coat and snogged him, right in front of the entire court. A moment later, she turned and ran, her face still bright red with embarrassment and anger.

_"AHHHHHHH!"_

The infuriated scream could be heard through the entire castle as Lily barricaded herself in the War Room in humiliation. Nobody saw her for two whole days after that incident.

**Renee: ... Well, that was fun~ ^^ And don't get too comfortable Reaver, you're next! :3**

**Reaver: ... Worth it~! X3**


	3. Reaver: The Rum Tum Tugger

**The Rum Tum Tugger**

watch?v=GDZ5QJOsSNs

Renee couldn't stop grinning as she finished applying Reaver's makeup. "How long is this going to take?" the Hero of Skill asked, growling slightly in annoyance. "Stop fussing, I'm almost done. And quit moving around!" the Authoress replied when a little twitch from him almost caused her to smudge her handiwork. "Aaaaaand... We're done~! Go get 'em, Tiger!"

Lily and Aster had been roped into attending one of Reaver's little secret society get-togethers, but of course, the host was late... "This is just like that bastard," Lily grumbled. Aster shook his head with a sigh as he took a sip of the drink in his hand... And promptly spat it out. "Hatch was right... Cooking sherry is bloody awful..." he muttered. Suddenly, the entire ballroom went dark as a spotlight focused on the entrance and music began to play.

_"Meow~"_

Reaver suddenly swaggered through the door, wearing a white latex jump suit, studded belt with a furry black tail, enormous black fur ruff, black leg warmers, dancing shoes and spiked collar.

_"Meow~"_ he continued with his hips swiveling.

_"The Rum Tum Tugger_

_Is a curious cat!"_ a few of the nobles, who had rehearsed this song with Reaver beforehand, sang as they feigned surprise and a little disgust.

_"If you offer me pheasant,_

_I'd rather have grouse!_

_If you put me in a house,_

_I would much prefer a flat,_

_If you put me in a flat,_

_Then I'd rather have a house._

_If ya set me on a mouse,_

_Then I only want a rat..._

_If you set me on a rat,_

_Then I'd rather chase a mouse~!"_ the Hero purred as he swaggered through the crowd.

_"The Rum Tum Tugger_

_Is a curious cat!"_

_"And there isn't any call_

_For me to shout it."_

_"For he will do_

_As he do do!"_

_"And there's no doing anything about it~"_

Lily sighed in aggravation as Reaver sauntered toward her.

_"The Rum Tum Tugger_

_Is a terrible BORE!"_ she taunted him as he passed. He just smirked and gyrated his hips again.

_"I'm always on the wrong side of every door,_

_And as soon as I'm at home,_

_Then I like to get about~"_ Suddenly, Reaver dropped to his knees and crawled a few paces back toward Lily seductively.

_"I like to lie in a bureau drawer,_

_But I make such a fuss_

_If I can't get out~!"_ With that, he got back up on his knees and pelvic thrusted a few times. Lily and Aster averted their eyes before they gate in to smacking the ever-loving crap out of him.

_"The Rum Tum Tugger_

_Is a curious cat!"_

_"And there isn't any use_

_For you to doubt it..."_

_"For he will do_

_As he do do..."_

_"And there's no doing anything_

_Abou-ow-ow-hout it!"_

_"The Rum Tum Tugger_

_Is a curious beast!"_ Benjamina sang as she suddenly burst through the doors, her own hips swaying.

_"My disobliging ways_

_Are a matter of habit..."_ Reaver continued with another hip gyration.

_"Now if you offer me fish,_

_Then I always want a feast,_

_And if there isn't any fish,_

_Then I won't eat rabbit!_

_If you offer me cream,_

_Then I sniff and sneer..._

_For I only like what I find for myself... _No," he added as he suddenly dropped Benjamina, who had practically jumped into his arms as he sang.

_"So you catch me in it right up to my ears_

_If you put it away on the larder shelf!"_

_"The Rum Tum Tugger_

_Is artful and knowing!_

_The Rum Tum Tugger..."_

_"Doesn't care for a cuddle,_

_So I leap on your lap in the middle of your sewing_

_'Cause there's nothing I enjoy like a horrible muddle~!"_

_"The Rum Tum Tugger_

_Is a curious cat!_

_The Rum Tum Tugger_

_Doesn't care for a cuddle!_

_The Rum Tum Tugger_

_Is a curious cat!"_

_"And there isn't any need_

_For me to spout it."_

_"For he will do_

_As he do do-"_

_"And... There's no doing anything..._

_Abouuuuuuu..."_ he crooned as he shook his hips tantalizingly to the delighted squeals of several noblewomen... And noblemen.

_"Abou-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow..._

_Abou-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-HOWWWWWWWWWW!_

_About it!"_


End file.
